2019; Just Another Heart Breaking Year

Hi, lets start with that. So I know, I haven't writing anything for this past few months. It's just that, there are so many things came up this past few months. But lets not talk about it. 

It seems like things will never get better, and it feels like I was stuck in my current situation. Life has seemed like more of a battle than a blessing lately, and every time I finally seem to make a breakthrough, life only seems to knock me back down, again.

These are the days that can either destroy or define us, and it's up to you to decide which path to take. 

And I hope what ever happen to you, don't let it destroy you. I hope you get back up every time the world expects you to just give up and stay stationary. I hope you never feel like you won't get any further than you are right now because you have no idea how much more you will grow in just a few short years. 

But right now, I knew what I need to do but I don't know if I was strong enough to do it. I need to 'let go' of what ever that holding me back; things, place, people. I need to 'let go' everything that doesn't meant to stay to make room for the things that truly want to stay. 

And it ain't easy. I guess, I'm still trying to learn, where to begin. 

Love? No right or wrong answer

It's been a while, I know right. So, I finish my study just a few weeks ago and will be having my intern very soon. I hope I'll be having more times to write after this. So, as I'm really bored and lonely spending time all by myself at home, I was thinking to write something on here. So here I am. This is just a random thought and I just think I need to jot this down.

What is love? 
We hear this word almost everyday. But what does it actually means? There's no right or wrong answer, of course. It's up to you to define it.

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, is your voice caught within your chest? That isn’t love, that’s just lust. Are you proud and eager to show them off? That isn’t love, it’s pride. 

Do you want them because you know they’re there? That isn’t love, it’s loneliness. Are you there because it’s what everyone wants? That isn’t love, it’s loyalty. Are you there because they kissed you or held your hand? That isn’t love, it’s low self esteem. 

Do you stay for their confessions of love because you don’t want to hurt them? That isn’t love, it’s pity. Do you belong to them because when you see them your heart skips a beat? That isn’t love, it’s infatuation. 

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them? That isn’t love, it’s friendship. Do you tell them every day that they’re the only one you think of? That isn’t love, that’s a lie. Are you willing to give up your favorite things for their sake? That isn’t love, it’s charity. 

Does your heart break when they’re sad? That’s love. Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts? That’s love. Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close, and holds you there? That’s love. Do you accept their faults, because it’s part of who we are? That’s love. Are you attached to others but stay with your love, without regret? That’s love. 

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death? Does 'Love' really have a power like that? A power over you? Think.

Blue Moon

Everything went so fast. 

It's new year and then it's 29th February, which we only get to live by every 4 years. But that's not the point because we get to live and grow up each day. 

We did. 

We all want to grow up, so desperate to get there, to grab all the opportunities we can; to live. We're so busy trying to get out of that nest, we don't think about the fact that it's going to be cold out there.

Really freakin' cold. 

Because growing up sometimes means leaving people behind, and by the time we stand on our own two feet, we're standing there 'alone' and I wonder if you ever look up there, is there anyone staring back? 

December words

“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.” - Chuck Palahniuk

12/3/2015

And maybe, just maybe we don't want to fall in love anymore because we know how easily the heart can be broke into a million tiny piece by any ways or words. We tend to question how it can be, why it happen; we forget that human is such a fragile creature that we often take for granted. We want people to understand yet we didn't understand our own selves. And often we forget that loving someone means we are ready to feel every possibility that our heart might never be the same again; either we feel content, and other wise we might lose the other part of our heart.

Time pass by

It will pass. It will get easier. The fact that it will get easier doesn't mean that it won't hurt now. And when people try to minimize your pain they are doing you a disservice. Don't do that. The truth is that it hurts because it's real. It hurts because it mattered. And that's an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn't mean that it won't end, that it won't get better. Because it will. - John Green

Alone

And just like that, it's June and I meant how fast is that? We already in the middle of 2015 and to be honest I'm not ready for this year to end. It can't be. There's so many things need to be done.

This past few months, I've been so busy and I know I haven't posted anything. It's not like there's nothing interesting happen but as I don't have time to updated it. I guess life in University isn't as fun as I thought before. It was, but at some point I don't really enjoy it. I did make some new friend but they just not like the 'friend' I thought they might be. It's hard. It's hard to find somebody whose demon play well with yours.  

Well, I've been spend most of my time alone. yeah, I rather be alone than be friend with a fake one. I riding bus and went to class alone. I drinking coffee and ate my lunch alone. I read book while listening to music alone. I guess it gives me time to think and set my mind free. 

But when I see a friend laughing with their best friend, a girl with her lover or a mother with her child, I realize even though I like being alone, I don't fancy being lonely. 

Free

There's good music..

And then there's music that reaches deep into your souls and calls you to action and makes you want to scream the lyrics from a rooftop and run around in circles and kiss people and spread kindness to the world and gives you this huge burst of energy and just makes you want to become a cool person. And that's when you know you've set yourself free.. 

Because I've been thinking.. I think the hardest part of losing someone you love, isn't having to say goodbye but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they finally walk away from your life..

Damaged peoples..

You've become so damaged that when someone tries to give you what you deserve, you have no fucking idea how to respond. So please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.

Seems like forever..

I'm like that. Either I forget right away or I never forget. Gosh, seemed like forever since my last update. The day went so fast and my life been on so harsh to me. yeah, sometimes I almost forget how to live. I mean I'm fine but I'm not happy. Well, Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. So, it's official. I'm 20 and I don't feel like it. Can I stay forever this young? hm, whatever. Just like the other days, this day shall past and become a part of memory. Thanks for everything. 

April 11 2014

Remarkable thing

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened.” - Unknown 

Most things are forgotten over time. Even the war itself, the life-and-death struggle people went through is now like something from the distant past. We’re so caught up in our everyday lives that events of the past are no longer in orbit around our minds. There are just too many things we have to think about everyday, too many new things we have to learn. But still, no matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away. They remain with us forever, like a touchstone, like a tattoo, leave a scars in your heart.

Say something

I don't know what am I suppose to feel right now. It's like I'm waiting for something but I don't sure what it is or if it's ever going to happen, and I'm hoping for something that I don't know what exactly it is. I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days, stays right here in its cage. maybe I'm waiting for someone, yeah. 'someone'. 

..Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'll be the one, if you want me to. Anywhere, I would've followed you. Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small. It was over my head. I know nothing at all. And I will stumble and fall. I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl. And I will swallow my pride. You're the one that I love And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.. 

The feeling..

It's been a while. Just a month away before 2013 ends and Christmas is just around the corner. Definitely the most beautiful time of the year, my favourite. 

November went so fast before I realize it. Today is a 'Thanksgiving Day' and surely there's a lot to thanks for. Too many things and I can't remember most of it. I just hope life would be so much easier. Well, it's never been. It's hard and it always be. 

I try to forget. yeah, I'm still trying, after all this time. It's such a pain to see someone you love and knowing that you have to let go off the feeling because it's never meant to be. You're hoping that someday, when you see him again there's nothing you rather do than just to smile at the person again because the feeling was all gone. I'm waiting for that day.

But it hard. Forgetting is hard.

I don't know if you've ever had one of those days where you'd rather hit by a train then take another breath or not get out of bed because you've forgotten how to love or how to be loved. Where each step is like a war zone not wanting to go on but knowing you have to. I don't know if you've ever had one of those days but I hope you never do. 

The worst thing is that I don't even know why the hell I still feel all this pain inside. 

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday..

November; before it's end

gosh, the end for 2013 is nearly. November eh, how fast that is. I will be taking my last exam for my senior year this month. wish me luck. And yes, I'll be leaving my school and also my friends, my classmate. So sad, yeah. Hopefully this is not the end for our friendship.. 

It's the oldest story in the world. one day, you're 17 and you're planning for someday. And then quietly, without you're ever really noticing someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life. Moment to remember :')

gonna miss my classmate, class of Economy/ Sport Science SMK Telupid, class of 2012/2013.. Hope to see you guys, someday, again..

Guarded..

''I’m attracted to the extreme light and the extreme dark. I’m interested in the human condition and what makes people tick. I’m interested in the things people try to hide.'' ~ Johnny Deep 

Sorry. I'm just too scared to touch happiness only to have it taken away again..

Maybe that is why I try to hide my feelings and I push everyone away and maybe that is why I'm so guarded..

And it is hard to trust people..

To trust is sometimes to surrender..

The pain, it's still there..

May my heart always be open to little birds who are the secrets of living, whatever they sing is better than to know and if men should not hear them, men are old. 

It's hard when you expect too much from people and you like waiting there and it's killing you everyday. 

This pain inside, just won't go away..

You are 'somebody'..

Before you know it it’s 3 am and you’re 80 years old and you can’t remember what it was like to have 20 year old thoughts or a 10 year old heart, trust that you are as important as everybody. You are 'somebody' and you are 'matter'. Remember that there are two important days in your life; the day you were born and the day that you discover 'why'. 

One day, you realise that there are some people you’ll never see again. At least, not in the same way.

October; Wake me up

Feeling my way through the darkness. Guided by a beating heart. I can't tell where the journey will end, But I know where to start. 

They tell me I'm too young to understand. They say I'm caught up in a dream. Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes. Well that's fine by me. 

So wake me up when it's all over. When I'm wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself. And I didn't know I was lost..

I tried carrying the weight of the world. But I only have two hands. Hope I get the chance to travel the world. But I don't have any plans.

Wish that I could stay forever this young. Not afraid to close my eyes. Life's a game made for everyone. And love is the prize..

I know, nice words urgh.. It's a song by Avicii, Wake me up. I love the song, it's carried a deep meaning. Only certain people will understand it. hm, anyway I still can't believe that it's October already. 2013 is half over, just like that. I wish I could treasure the moment I have, but I didn't. I guess I have to open my eyes because life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes.

Waiting..

yeah, I guess there are really many sorrowful things in this world. But the most of it is, waiting for so something that will never come. You're hoping for it, and living your life for it. What a shame..

''Suddenly she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be.''

The Living and The Dead..

It feels so good..

 

Sometimes you need to remind yourself that you were the one who carried you through the heartache. You are the one who sits with the cold body on the shower floor, and picks it up. You are the one who feeds it, who clothes it, who tucks it into bed, and you should be proud of that. Having the strength to take care of yourself when everyone around you is trying to bleed you dry, that is the strongest thing in the universe.

because..

Girls don’t give up easily. Girls fight until they still can even if they know they’re about to lose. When girls love, they usually love wholeheartedly. Even if they’re afraid, they still take risks. Even if it they’re hurting, nobody can stop them from loving. And sometimes, girls only wanted guys to do the same thing.